September 3, 2010
This website crashed earlier today. The second time in a week. Too many people on at once. (Please, don’t stop. It’s a nice problem to have.)
Looks like we will have to upgrade our Server Online Bit-Rate Capacitence Modulation Interface. (I made that up. Sounded good didn’t it? The word Capacitence was a bit of a stretch.)
What’s behind this surge in traffic? Beyond my good looks, the lively presentation, the reliable information, the powerful Forums, the strong community and my good looks?
I suspect it’s the time of year.
Namely “back to school time.” (Do other adults get the heeby-jeebies and feel the need to go buy binders every September? It’s like some life rhythm I’ve never outgrown. Maybe if they moved tax deadlines to June Report Card time inclined to actually meet them.)
Back to school is when ADHD is on everyone’s radar.
After a vacation from responsibility, and even from medication, it begins anew….(Insert theme from JAWS here.)
Kids and parents looking ahead. Familiar struggles erupt: The morning war over breakfast. The ‘Battle of The Homework” The request, given at midnight, “I need some Bristol Board so I can do a project that’s due tomorrow morning.”
ADHD kids brace for the dreaded classroom with it’s millions of distractions–from maps and fire alarm rules, to every other kid in the room.
Then there are the fearful parents, concerned that their child’s ADHD means another year of failures, misery, frustrated by the lack of help, the stretch resources…
Huge issues that were put aside for summer are returning.
(Of course this is how ADDers seem to handle everything. Last minute. Procrastination.)
Earlier in the week Dr. J and I did a whole bunch of workshops and talks for the Greater Essex County School Board (South-west Ontario. For you Americans, think ‘across from Detroit.) Plus a presentation for the Windsor Learning Disabilities Association. (More on this on the weekend.)
The trials and tribulations we heard about from Teachers, parents and teens was incredible.
It’s painful to see, cause for a long time, that was me. Been there, procrastinated that.
It was awful.
Today my own ADHD, and more importantly to me, my kids ADHD is being managed and controlled and actually turned to an advantage at some points. In fact, I am working on a T-Shirt for the website, “I used to suffer from ADHD. Now I just have it.”
(Okay, not totally managed, as I am swearing to my wife I’ll do my taxes on Monday.)
Anyway, what struck me about the groups we spoke before was how much fear there was amongst parents.
It struck me that sometimes we actually care more about our children’s success and happiness than we do about our own happiness.
This isn’t necessarily healthy or wise. The reasons may even be selfish, “What will people think? I’m a bad mother!?
But we do it.
Is suspect a lot of it is pure biology.
—
I experienced this feeling yesterday.
In the morning we laid my father-in-law to rest. It was a very good funeral for a very good man. He was 94 years old, alert and involved in life and his family and community until his heart gave out suddenly. Not a tragedy after such a great life. Just painful. A sudden, huge emptiness in our lives.
There were so many people at the church and the visitations. Including our kids.
Boy, was that something to see.
My daughter was awesome. A source of grace and comfort. There for everyone when they needed it.
My son was a pall bearer. Unsure of what was expected, but perfect in the event.
Several of the other children in the family did readings or had other roles in the service. You could tell who were the parents by the glow of pride.
It got me thinking about what really matters to us as parents.
Sure I care about their school marks, but only as much as the marks are high enough that they can do what they want with their lives.
But to see your kids carry themselves off with grace, to succeed as human beings… Awesome.
The fear that they won’t… it makes your knees buckle, doesn’t it?
That’s how it is for so many ADHD parents. I could hear it again and again when we were in Windsor, and you can read it here in the Forums. Sure, parents are happy when their ADHD child gets treatment and starts doing better in school. But what really thrills them, what moves them to tears of joy is when that kid is invited to a birthday party… and isn’t sent home after 20 minutes… and then has a sleepover and other kids want to come!
Friends!
They have friends! They’re not pissing off the rest of the class, and so they are developing friends!
—
At my father-in-law’s funeral I gave the eulogy. I started off by acknowledging we were here to ‘honour his life.’ But I added, “Nothing we can say or do will honour his life as much as he honoured it himself. He took the life he was given and made it matter.”
I compared my father-in-law to George Bailey, Jimmy Stewart’s character in “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Smiles and nods from everyone.
At the end of the film, George Bailey gets a message from Clarence the Angel that, “No man is a failure who has friends.” The crowd at the church and the visitation were proof of that.
—
So we want our kids to succeed. It can tear us up when they are struggling. But I’ve learned the hard way that if I do too much, if I worry too much, and fail to take care of myself, it doesn’t help them.
They need us to succeed too.
It seems to me, one of the best things you can do for your child’s ADHD is to get your own ADHD handled.
They need to know it’s possible. They need us as living proof
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